Archives: What’s Happening in HTG Town

Always wishing to please toy collectors throughout HTG Hollywood, stores have recently announced the upcoming Roads Masterson action figure, based on the dark hero portrayed by Luke Perry in Eat S*** and Die. The horror/comedy film also starred Pauly Shore as the hapless porn theater janitor known as the Jizzmopper.

“We’ve completed the first prototype,” stated a nearby toy manufacturer. “Expect the Roads figure on the shelves soon. I’m sure that Pedro fans will be knocking down the doors when it arrives.”

UPDATE: The Roads Masterson action figure is on sale now at the Mega Mart toy department. Get yours while supplies last.

Have you been shopping lately in HTG? If not, you have probably not noticed the huge new selection of vehicles available at the Classic Car Dealer.

The Classic Car Dealer is the place to get one-of-a-kind vehicles from your favorite television series and films. Over the years, the dealership has been able to obtain vehicles from Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Transformers and the Muppets movies.

Their current supply is incredible. Over the last few weeks, the stock has really begun to inflate as the demand for prime vehicles has been on the rise. At the time of my writing this, there are some serious sets of wheels available. But, depending on when you read this, the vehicle you want may already be gone.

Of the current stock, some of the vehicles stand out above the rest. The Quantum of Solace Bond vehicles are the first that caught my eye. The Aston Martin and Alpha Romeo are both beautiful cars, with plenty under the hood to please even the biggest muscle car fans. I was not able to get inside the vehicles, so I cannot tell if the Bond improvements work or not.

Comedy fans have several vehicles to choose from. There is the classic Ford LTD Country Squire Station Wagon from Chevy Chase’s Vacation. There is the Honda Civic from Employee of the Month, the Volvo 240 Station Wagon from A Mighty Wind, and the sharp Rolls Royce Silver Cloud from Caddyshack. Any one of these vehicle would be perfect as you drive up to the valet at the Yacht Club or at a movie premiere.

There are also two vehicles from the classic Chris Farley films Black Sheep and Tommy Boy. From Tommy Boy they have the blue Plymouth Belvedere GTX convertible – all pre-deer attack, so there is no damage to the car. From Black Sheep, there is the 1969 Bonneville. This, however, was still on the repair rack, so I am not sure if it runs or not – or ever ran for that matter.

One of the most powerful cars on the lot has to be the Mach 5 from Speed Racer. It is unknown how fast this car can get up to, but I can guarantee that Chief Winslow has nothing in the police department that could catch this.

One of the best things about the Classic Car Dealership is that if you don’t see it, that does not mean it is not available. They employ some of the best thieves, uh… negotiators, to get you the vehicle that you want – cost however can increase based on the difficulty of the… negotiations.

However, keep in mind that these vehicles are first-come first-served. While I was on the lot last evening, several HTG big shots were spending their hard-earned cash. Is it coincidence that around the same time foreign box office payments were made, the number of vehicles at the dealership increased? I think not. There are some crafty salesmen and management at the Classic Car Dealership and they know what the public wants.

I’m off now to find something for me to drive off in.

It seems like is has been such a long time since I had produced a column that was so thought provoking, so thought-inducing, and so much of an attention grabber that the Journalist Award was just handed to me instead of wasting the time going through the laborious process of an awards show. So I figured, why break that streak! So instead, I decided to come forward and admit to everyone something that has been on my mind for a while…

I like cars! No, really, I do. It’s pretty hard to believe, I know, but I really like cars. And quite contrary to what others think, I do not have a problem. I can stop buying and collecting cars whenever I want. I can. My affection for vehicles is more than just aesthetics; it is about owning power, owning freedom, owning something others cannot have. Obviously, in HTG, everyday citizens need cars for daily travel. There are no bus terminals. There are no sub-ways like in New York. There are no Els like in Chicago. Wow. We have a train station with two stops: Vancouver and Nevada. Two places that are really on the top of my list for travel, I can tell you.

I know what you are thinking right now: What about the airport? Well, have you been there lately? It’s closed. And for those not living in the ‘Bu (that’s slang for Malibu for you Valley dwellers) it’s restricted. So the only way out of HTG is by route of Sin City or through the frozen tundra of Canada. And again, I know what you’re thinking: What about by water? Yeah. The yacht club offers a ton of opportunities to untie form the docks and head out. But before you can leave the bay, you have to pass Bishop’s Terror Island. Being shot at by his goons is not a great way to head out on a vacation.

But a car, even with the gas prices the way they are, allows all HTG citizens an opportunity to see the city and beyond. There are no elitist clubs to join to own a car. There are no parts of town you have to live in to own a car. They are open to all classes of HTG citizens. (Well, not all classes. But those in the slums don’t count) There are even different types of vehicles that you can purchase to fit any budget.

If you are a little light on the cash and are really in the need for something to drive, head on over to the Plan 9 Used Car Dealership. While they offer a very limited number of vehicles, prices starting at just around $3 million are a steal. I frequent Plan 9 weekly to see if any new stock comes in. You never know when a down on his luck producer will need to sell his car just to get another spin at the casino.

If used is not your answer, then Rico’s Cool Cars is for you. Rico’s has something for everyone. You need to get a snowmobile for the heavy winter snows in the Valley? You are ‘green’ and feel the Prius is best for you, Rico’s has it. You don’t care about the environment, then check out the Escalade. Speed the most important thing in your life, then you cannot pass up the Porsche 911 GTI. I personally have them all since I never know what might happen or what mood I am going to be in.

My favorite place, which I frequent daily (sometimes several times a day), is the Classic Car Dealership. This is the place to really find what you are looking for. All the vehicles here are guaranteed one of a kind. No duplicates. Once it’s sold, it’s gone forever. You never know what might pop up. Just yesterday, before work, I checked it out and saw the same old cars there. I was expecting some money in from the work I did at The Times and was just doing a little price checking. Later, after work, amazingly a new car was there. It was none other than Tony Stark’s 2007 Audi R8 from Iron Man. No sooner than I saw that silver beauty sitting there, I went to the bank to make a small transaction. It was not cheap, let me be honest! You can buy several cars from both Rico’s and Plan 9 for the cost of one of these babies. But they are oh so worth it.

Right now, that silver beauty is sitting in my garage waiting for its turn on the HTG streets. And when I say garage, I don’t mean a small little attachment to my home, I mean a full size, 5-story garage – fifty-vehicle capacity. With my collection growing, I needed somewhere to put my cars and I had to turn to the city for help in getting this structure built. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, stop on by. It’s the structure with the giant 4-leaf clover logo on it. I might even give you a ride. Well, probably not, but you can ask.

Maybe I’ll see you around the dealerships. We can both add to our collections and see what type of deals we can get.
Oh, by the way! The 2007 Audi R8 I mentioned earlier was on the lot for five hours. That’s it. Just imagine if I had to work a little later, that beauty would be in some losers… I mean, citizen’s collection.

I don’t have a problem. Really, I don’t.

He’s the Mayor of HTG Hollywood. He’s an actor in both television and film. He’s what women want. He’s what men strive to be. And now he’s part of an action play set, coming soon to Mega Mart.

“Chris Harmer is a magnetic presence,” explained a representative of Decepticon Liberation Front, producers of the upcoming The Good, The Bad and The Harmer 2. “He burns up the set on GBH2. He runs the city. He makes public appearances. People can’t help but flock to him. Making a toy of our favorite HTG resident seems natural. We know that they’ll be flying off the shelves once they arrived.”

“We’ve already got a row in our toy department dedicated to this new play set,” explained Paul Ronpeil, manager of Mega Mart. “People are already starting to camp outside, waiting for their arrival. I hate to tell them that it won’t be until April. But they stay anyway. If you’re a Harmer fan, you’re a Harmer fan hardcore.”

The Good, The Bad and The Harmer 2, produced by Teufel, is a Flip Brothers Studio release scheduled for this Friday. Jay Roach directs.

HTG’s Leaderboard Store has just announced a special for the month of September involving hot tubs (which they price at $8 million dollarinos) and “hot tub babes.” For details, go to the message board.

Sureshot, HTG mansion owner and producer of the upcoming Death on Pine Street, was the first to make a hot tub/babe purchase. He was able to attract Connie Nielsen, the lovely actress whose lone HTG credit includes a pair of appearances on the HTGTV show Nick & Nora.

“I think Sure is pleased that he was able to hook up with Connie,” a mansion staffer informed us. “He’s a bit busy now, with the movie coming out Friday and all, but he’s anxious to get his trunks on as soon as possible and join his guest for a good soak.”

Hotshot critic DCE was arrested by HTG Hollywood police on Monday evening after a neighbor called to complain about music blaring from the mansion at 44 Howard Lane. When the police arrived, they found DCE dancing around in the buff and playing bongo drums. A CD of Gary Numan’s New Wave classic Cars was blaring repeatedly on the critic’s sound system.

DCE decided to plead guilty to violating HTG Hollywood’s noise ordinance. He was not fined, but ordered to seek therapy for his automobile fixation.

“I can’t help it,” confessed the HTG resident. “I like cars. Lots of cars. When I can buy more, I will. I realize that it’s an obsession, but what’s wrong with that? Some people collect pets. There’s a guy who collects bobbleheads. I collect cars.”

As of this writing early Tuesday evening, loud music has not been heard from the DCE mansion again.

A small selection of DCE’s car collection, many of which were
purchased at the Classic Car Lot on HTG Hollywood’s Hitchcock Lane.