The Editor Recounts A Tale of Vandalism (But Not By Him)
“Hey, Bishop and I just toilet papered Graham’s house.”
The call came after midnight, long after I had retired for the evening. I’d made sure that all the pets had been fed. The pools and hot tubs were in good working order. I finally convinced that bum who had pitched a tent up on the driveway of my central HTG Hollywood house to move on to non-concrete pastures. (I hear he’s camping out at Lassie Park now. I’ll drop him off a sandwich and dog biscuits later.) I had most definitely fallen asleep. I remember dreaming that ScarJo had figured out she had made a mistake marrying that Reynolds fellow and had sought comfort in my loving arms. But the phone call stopped that. Thanks. (/endsarcasm)
It took me a moment. It usually takes me a few minutes to get my act together after being woke up. It was Lucian, the head honcho of Ship of Fooles.
“Lucian, it’s late” I complained. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You mean today. It’s already tomorrow.”
“Whatever. I’m going back to bed.”
I hung the phone up and managed to return to the Sandman’s embrace quickly. But no dreams of Scarlett. Sigh. Early the next evening I dropped by Lucian’s production office, where he was checking on weekend receipts for his latest PPV, TCW: Excessive Force.
“Dude,” I began, “What’s the dealio with waking me up last night about vandalizing JG’s place?”
“Oh, sorry,” Lucian would reply. “I was drunk.”
“Obviously. No one with any responsibility would TP a house sober.”
“Oh, no, I would sober.”
“Must be a Canadian thing. But you were drunk?”
“Yeah. Bish and I had tossed down a bottle of this, a bottle of that.”
“A night as usual?”
“Yeah, I guess. We were upset at JGraham.”
“What for?”
“He was ignoring us.”
“Did it occur to you that he might not have been around to hear you?”
“Nah, he heard us. He was just ignoring us.”
“So you got drunk and toilet papered his house.”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“What do you mean, kinda?”
“We got the wrong house.”
That was worth an exchange of laughs, I suppose.
“The wrong house? Whose house did you get?”
“I don’t know. We can’t remember which house we got. But I drove by JG’s place this morning and I knew we had blundered.”
“You know, that’s one of the reasons why I don’t drink. Makes you do stupid things.”
“I think we’ll be all right as long as the owner of the house we did get doesn’t know it was us.”
In other news, the house of Mayor Chris Harmer was assaulted in the wee hours last night when unknown assailants threw bathroom tissue all over his property.
“I won’t rest until I discover who the evil doers are” vowed the soon-to-be-ex-city leader. “I will see justice!”
