Archives: What’s Happening in HTG Town

By Lucian

Big things are afoot at the HTG Classic Car Dealership. There has been a major increase in inventory and the lot’s owners have been wheeling and dealing behind the scenes to bring vehicles to interested buyers. In the past the lot was lucky to have four cars in stock. Now, a whopping 18 are on display! As always vehicles from the Classic Car Dealership add 1 million dollars in production budget to every movie you produce and each has a genre (revealed after purchase) that it adds 2 million dollars to.

Currently in stock (disclaimer: any of these vehicles may have already been purchased) are a wide assortment starting with the Plymouth Belvedere GTX from Tommy Boy which retails for 19 million. It is one of several vehicles on the lot from movies that feature the late Chris Farley. Also available is a 1969 Pontiac Bonneville from Black Sheep the movie David Spade described as basically the same movie as Tommy Boy. A word of warning however, this car is something of a fixer upper so don’t expect to be racing it the day you take it off the lot. Its price reflects its condition as you can own it for just 17 million dollars. The only cheaper vehicle on the lot is another Chris Farley related one the school bus from Billy Madison. This one has been on the lot longer than any others currently in stock and at 16 million its passenger room to price ration is excellent.

Moving on we find the 1971 Ford LTD Sedan from The French Connection. Used in the film of the same year that starred Gene Hackman it’s priced at 19 million dollars and is one of the cars on the lot that definitively won’t give a boost to the comedy genre. More pricey but also more stylish is the Ferrari Cabriolet from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels a 1988 black comedy that starred Michael Caine and Steve Martin. I have fond memories of this film and the 20 million dollar car would look great in any garage.

Finding vehicles that boost the expensive science fiction genre is not always easy and the 1981 Chevy Impala from A Scanner Darkly might due just that. It is also priced at 20 million. It’s hard to speculate what genre the 1976 Oldsmobile Delta 88 from 8 Mile or the 1983 Volvo 240 from A Mighty Wind might boost but one or both could help out with musicals. Both are priced at 17 million.

If you need to haul freight on your movie sets you could always pick up the International Harvester Metro Van from Teen Wolf but the lot makes it clear the teenage werewolf is not included. Still for 19 million you get plenty of cargo space.

The 1972 Chevy Monte Carlo from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is as old as I am and it looks it. If you are looking for speed or style look elsewhere but if you are looking for a 18 million dollar car that could provide a boost to your comedies this is a fine choice. More stylish is the 1976 Rolls Royce Corniche from 10 which comes to us from the 1979 film starring Dudley Moore, Julie Andrews and Bo Derek. IMDB lists the film’s genres as romance and comedy so it’s likely to boost one of those two genres. Another prestigious vehicle is the 1985 Jaguar XJ12H Series III from A Fish Called Wanda. I test drove this car and while I didn’t have Jamie Lee Curtis with me to make the ride more pleasant I still felt the car handled great. Cruising into Club Siberia riding in this baby will certainly turn heads.

The most expensive car on the lot comes in at 21 Million and it’s Travis’ Checker Marathon from Taxi Driver. It’s a little surprising that a car with little glamour to recommend it is priced so high but the cache of Taxi Driver as an influential movie gives this car a huge bonus in prestige value. At 19 million the AM General Postal Van-Ice Cream Van Conversion from Borat isn’t much to look at and isn’t likely to win any races but it comes stocked with plenty of Rocky Road . The Duke’s 1977 Cadillac Fleetwood from Escape from New York can also be yours for 19 million great for getting out of New York if you failed to save the cheerleader.

Rounding out the selection are two cars priced at 18 million dollars a 1982 Honda Civic from Employee of the Month, which proves that you don’t have to be a memorable movie to get a car at the dealership, and the 1983 Ford LTD Country Squire Station Wagon from Vacation. Take Chevy Chase’s car and visit Chevy Chase , Maryland or anywhere else on a vacation.

Very astute viewers may notice the lot has a new car featured in its opening photograph. It’s the 1951 Studebaker Commander from The Muppet Movie. If you look closely you can even see Fozzie Bear and Kermit the Frog as passengers inside. This car was purchased by yours truly in a special deal after an initial E-bay bid of 17.5 million dollars turned out to be bogus. The bidder claimed his account had been hacked and is not facing fraud charges. The car now resides in my garage at 104 Dean Drive.

So drop by the Classic Car Dealership and peruse the selection. You may never have as many cars as DCE but there are some great vehicles just waiting to be purchased.

Comic fans are rejoicing that a publisher has announced the development of a new graphic novel based on the HTG film Magi. A Miracle Pictures/Flip Brothers release from Christmas Eve of 2004, Magi is an homage to the O’Henry classic The Gift of the Magi. Two friends, Chuck Norris and William Shatner (as themselves), make personal sacrifices to do good for the other. The short comedy went on to gross $164,157,072.

“It was a little film that I finished in a few days,” commented producer Marlowe. “The idea came up in the HTG chatroom and I just went with it. I was tickled that it performed as well as it did.”

Rounding out the cast are Miracle Pictures regular Brent Spiner, former boxing champion Mike Tyson, plus Ron Howard (who also directs).

The publishers of the Magi graphic novel have not announced whether their storyline will mirror that of the movie or if they’ll take some artistic liberties. The art will be five-color (see examples above).

The original film (with a poster by PJFlip), can be seen at http://www.geocities.com/magimovie/.

(This news article is a necessary part of the Graphic Novel award owned by Marlowe.)

HTG Hollywood studio chief and producer Marlowe has signed a lucrative deal with Fox Television. The network has gained exclusive rights to broadcast the movie Cruisifed, the blockbuster hit from Miracle Pictures. With a domestic gross of $267,554,531, the low-budget comedy surprised moviegoers and became the top-grossing film released in 2006 (not counting foreign receipts, which have yet to be announced for the movie).

Cruisified follows two Indiana slackers who have been asked by action star Tom Cruise to get him back to California safely. Mysterious black-clad men are on the actor’s tale. The trio encounter various roadblocks on their journey west.

Directed by Harold Ramis of Ghostbusters fame, Cruisified features a cast seldom used in HTG Hollywood. Wilmer Valderrama, formerly of Fox’s That 70’s Show, stars as Andrew Wood, a grocery store employee who apparently has an eye for the ladies, but fails to make relationships last.

“I got a good laugh out of portraying Andrew,” commented Valderrama shortly after production had concluded. “There’s really not a lot to the fellow, but you can tell that there is potential for so much more.”

Also starring in the film are John Cho as Walter “Wally” Wood, Andrew’s wisecracking brother and roommate. There is also an unexplained hatred for Gary, Indiana by Wally (though a lie is featured in the film).

Marlowe was surprised that this casting did not raise any comments. “I purposely cast two actors of different races to play brothers. Not one HTG citizen brought the matter up. Maybe I should experiment further with this and go crazy next time.”

Ethan Suplee stars as Fred “Frodo” Jenkins, Andrew’s best friend. Not as bright as Andrew, Frodo at least possesses one thing that the other young man does not: a working automobile. Jenkins owns an Oldsmobile Delta 88, a vehicle featured in many of producer Marlowe’s projects.

Rounding out the top four talents is Tom Cruise as a version of himself. The story takes several pokes at the star, including his need to be overly knowledged and his visit with Oprah Winfrey that caused a media frenzy. The actor did not return messages left by this reporter so that he could comment.

Rounding out the cast are Bette Midler, Mila Kunis and Jamie Lynn Spears.

“It was a pleasure to work with this cast. If we can get a sequel off the ground, expect the return of many of them. I’m pleased that Cruisified will find an audience on Fox.”

The film may be enjoyed at http://www.geocities.com/htgcruisified/index.htm.

(This news story is submitted as a part of the Fox Exclusive award owned by Marlowe.)

Thanks to the continued work of HTG Hollywood accountants, box office receipts owed by foreign markets are finally finding their way to the States.

“It took a lot of wheeling and dealing,” commented Ritchie “Gimme My Money Or I’ll Gut You” Steven. “At first the exhibitors overseas had no intention of paying the money that they owed us. But, after some talks with some “friends” of mine, they decided to pony up.”

According to foreign trade reports, there was merely a communication problem. “Les français ont eu besoin de l’argent pour le désodorisant” was a popular excuse given.

“Money will be paid out as soon it is available,” Ritchie informed a small group of eager producers. “There is an update of the top 20 unpaid foreign grosses at this location. We’ll keep working on it as long as those foreign bastar… I mean, as long as our friends overseas keep sending the cash.”

“The announcement that I am writing a Science Fiction movie starring Bryan Bishop is a lie,” announced Miracle Pictures head Marlowe during a recent interview. “I have no idea who came up with that idea, but it’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Marlowe has launched a small investigation into the source of the false news story about the movie. “I have a couple guys working on it part time, no biggie. But if I find out what nutcase came up with the tall tale, I’ll definitely take action.”

“And who the heck is Prodigy Pictures? Is there such a thing? I’ve never seen them in HTG Hollywood.”

When asked what film he was working on, Marlowe shrugged.

“I start so many things and don’t end up finishing them. It could be any tale of any genre, really. I’ll make sure to let the HTG citizens know when I’m close to finishing something.”

Encouraged by the promise of a large reward, one HTG studio is retooling its summer schedule. It is rumored that Miracle Pictures, in association with producers Prodigy Pictures, has scratched all projects over the next three months to work on its newest blockbuster titled “Bryan Bishop Has a Huge C*ck.”

“We’re really excited about this film,” commented Miracle head Marlowe at a recent press conference. “With the success of the recently exited ‘Cruisified,’ it seemed obvious what the HTG citizens wanted. We plan on giving it to them.”

“Bryan Bishop Has a Huge C*ck” revolves around a 20-something ne’r-do-well who discovers that what occupies his Dockers is the only thing that can save Earth from invading alien hotties.

“I don’t want to give away too much of the plot,” mentioned Marlowe. “Let’s just say that it’s a 120-page Sci Fi epic with more irreverent acts than most of the HTG theatre goers are probably accustomed to.”

When asked about the casting of the lead role, Marlowe kept mum. “I’d rather not say if we’re hiring the actual person or someone to fill his shoes.”

Production has already begun on the movie. An exact release date has not yet been set.